Trusting through the Changing Seasons of Motherhood

  

As I write this blog post I am on the long van ride home from Ohio to Texas.  Our family lives on a small hobby farm in Texas, but we also have a vacation home in the heart of Ohio’s Amish country.  We really enjoy going there a few times a year and getting to live out the simple life while enjoying the beautiful agrarian scenery. We have a growing number of precious friendships there, and so we look forward to going and spending time with friends as well.  

  As we left the leaves in Ohio were just starting to show signs of turning color, and some days are starting to cool down with fall winds starting to blow across the countryside.  As we head back towards Texas the temperatures are getting muggier and hotter with each stop, and I know we are months away from any resemblance of fall.  We got an early taste of fall in Ohio, but now we will have to wait patiently for cooler air in Texas.  

  Thinking about changing seasons has had me pondering the different seasons of motherhood.  In all honesty I definitely feel that I am in a transition period in my own mothering journey.   My oldest is inching up on graduation, and so we are praying about what the days ahead hold for her.  My second-born is right on his older sister’s heels and is starting to think about how he can find a way of bringing in some income to save for his future.  I am quickly coming up on the tail end of raising my first two children, and I feel as though the others will be like dominoes falling behind my first two. 

  Then I look at my last two children, my babies, and I see that they are growing up very quickly.  My next to last baby recently turned five which in my mind is a milestone birthday. This means he is no longer a preschooler but a little boy who is of school age.  My baby also just turned three which means I no longer have a baby. There is a true sense of loss I feel in knowing that I am moving out of the baby/toddler stage very quickly and will no longer have these precious little munchkins to hold and enjoy the little years with.  

  I would LOVE to have more babies, but I cannot.  I had my last baby at the age of forty-two and had a near death experience in the hospital.  I was hospitalized for eighteen days and had a real battle for my life and health.  The whole story is written out in my book Legacy Reflections of a Homeschooled Homeschooling Mama.  After that ordeal multiple doctors strongly advised us against having more children if I want to be around to raise the seven children the Lord has given. It took a long time to restore my health to where it was before I had her which was not the optimum of health anyway. I still have some chronic pain issues that I live with.  

  At this point I am forty-five, and I know my season of having babies has passed.  I have been grieving this the past three years and still just break down crying sometimes.  I am really having to pray that the Lord will give me eternal hope in Him in light of this loss.  I know all ladies come to this reality sooner or later.  I think, however, that when you give your life to having babies and raising children for as long as I have that it can be a real issue to work through when this season closes.  I really don’t know of anything that has ever broken my heart to the extent that this situation has.  I long to have even just one more sweet bundle of joy, and yet I know that I will never be able to experience giving and nurturing new life again.  

 So here I find myself on the cusp of starting to launch children into adulthood and trying to figure out how to do that graciously and also clinging to the last moments of the little years with my baby number seven. It has caused me to cherish the sweet little antics of my little ones as I know very soon I will have all adult and school aged children and then they will all be gone.  Life is flying by so very fast.  

Recently I came across a writing from Elisabeth Elliot where she quoted the verse, “In quietness and trust shall be your strength.”  - Isaiah 30:15  I have been mulling that phrase around in my head and trying to counsel my heart with this truth.  I realize that the Lord is calling me to have a posture of heart that is quiet and trusting before Him.  This situation has also given me a deeper compassion for those who deal with infertility. I now know what it is to long for a little one with no hope in sight.  

  As I grapple with the changing seasons I wonder what the future will hold?  I feel like I am in a new season of learning as a mother.  When I was a new mother everything was new and I was having to learn a lot.  At this time the launching of young adults is also new,  and I am having to learn a lot of things along the way.  Seeing myself moving very quickly through changing seasons feels uncertain and a bit scary, but I know Who has been there holding my hand thus far.  I know that my hope has to be in Christ alone.  

  Sometimes I ask myself questions like what will I do with myself once my children are grown and gone?  Will I be happy? Will my children carry on the faith?  Will we be safe and well?   What will life be like in the years ahead?  All I know is that I must cling to my Savior and trust Him to be my fulfillment.  I think there will be new joys, different joys, new opportunities, and hopefully more opportunity to engage in ministry and serving others.  Recently I was in the basement of one of my Amish friends, and we were discussing children growing up.  Just in the midst of the conversation she offered me a word of encouragement that I have been thinking about.  She said the time does come when you think to yourself, “OK I’m ready for it to be just me and my husband again.” Her words made me think about the fact that one day it will be just the two of us again, and when that time comes we will be free to focus on one another and enjoy more time together again.  She was not at all trying to communicate that we don't value or desire children, but rather that when the time comes that our children are grown there is a new sweetness in once again having more time to spend as husband and wife.  I guess the seasons go full circle to where husband and wife end up where they started with just the two of them.  This is a reminder of why it is important to nurture the marriage even in the midst of all the busyness of raising a family.  While I really do not want to see the seasons change, I pray that I can graciously embrace each season as it comes and goes.  I know my God is faithful, I know He has always been loving and kind, and I don’t know about tomorrow but I know Who holds my hand.  

 Can any of you relate to the changing seasons of motherhood? What is the Lord teaching you about changing seasons? What do you cherish about today and what do you look forward to in the days ahead?